“Why doesn’t anyone understand?”

The tears welled up in my eyes as the heart of my anxiety bubbled up into a question. I sat there unable to move and unable to stop the weight of worry growing in my chest.

Stemming from the simple realization that we may not have done our taxes correctly the past year(s), the realization flowed quickly into the building anxiety over finances and the repeated questions in my mind of the fearful “what if’s” and “what could’s”.

“Why is this such a big deal?” I asked myself.

I tried to decipher my feelings and finally did as my heart asked:

“Why doesn’t anyone understand? Don’t they understand I work hard? Don’t they understand I have significance? Why doesn’t anyone understand how hard this is to come back from living in another country? Why doesn’t anyone understand?”

 

 

The tears fell.

I ask these questions and they are scary. Scarier than taxes needing to be paid. They leave me alone in the weight of anxiety, paralyzing me from moving beyond my worries a lot of times.

Do you feel this way? Have you ever felt a weight of loneliness as you ask, “Why doesn’t anyone understand?” And even when people attempt to care for you really well, have these waves of anxiety still washed up in your mind?

The past year of my life has put me in a season of feeling misunderstood. Different scenarios and the changing relationships of transition have left me with that despairing feeling and finding that a lot of my anxieties stem from feeling misunderstood or fearing no one understanding. And it feels like multiple areas of my life leave me vulnerable to being misunderstood.

So, here I am, tears welling up in my eyes as that question comes.

Doesn’t anyone understand?

Yet, as I sit there I think, “Do I understand?” Isn’t there someone out there who feels misunderstood by me? Isn’t there someone who lives in a less privileged position than I who could look at the way I live my life and wonder at what it would be like to live with such ease. Isn’t there someone who is a different ethnicity than I who could look at the way I go about my day with little fear concerning my race or actions and wonder what it would be like to live without that fear? Isn’t there someone who is out there hungry and could look at my counter and wonder at having the choice of what to eat let alone if they will eat? Isn’t there someone who knows they can’t pay the next bill and wonders at what it is like to have just one month of not worrying about that?

The list goes on and on and on, cutting through privileges and ethnicities, cultures and ages, seasons of life and personal achievements.

Do I understand?

And you know… this urges me to want to take a step further in MY life into understand. What would it be like for me to seek to understand someone better today? What would it be like for me to put someone else and what they are going through before myself.
Mind boggling, right?

This thought brings me a reality check and a new perspective that rebukes my feelings of not being understood for a time. Who am I to want to be understood?
“Does anyone understand?”
“NO.”
“Do I understand?”
“NO.”
It’s sobering.

 

 

Who is left to understand?

It feels like I’m punching and fighting for someone to understand. It feels like I’m grasping to keep calm.
I imagine someone throwing punches at an attacker or flailing their arms and kicking their feet to keep their head above the water.

But then someone comes and grabs you arms. You are still punching and still kicking because no one understands, no one has been able to save you. But this person holds on with strength and gentleness and you hear him say, “It’s ok. It’s ok. Everything is ok. I’m here.” So, you open your eyes, still gasping for breath, and find you’re in an empty room. There is no real threat – only a facade of lies and anxieties and fears. And this man holding your arms is looking into your eyes to make sure you are ok. And your gaze passes from the empty room to meet his gaze and his eyes are deep and warm. You see in his eyes pain – a pain that aches for YOU and cares for YOU deeply – and understanding – an understanding that is willing to listen without ever tiring. You’re safe. You’re known. You’re understood because this man was there at your creation – at the weaving of your character and emotions and sensitivities and desires and he was there at the placement of your life in this time and this place right now. He understand the universe with all its stars and galaxies, but more importantly he understand the universe of your heart.

This man to me is Jesus.

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” He says (Matthew 11:28).

Hundreds of years before his birth it was said that a savior would come who would proclaim good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim freedom to the captives and a release from darkness for the prisoners, comfort all who mourn, provide for those who grieve, give crowns of beauty instead of ashes of suffering, give oil of joy instead of mourning and give garments of praise instead of a spirit of despair (NIV Bible – Isaiah 61). And that savior, Jesus, came and proclaimed that of himself again later in the Bible in Luke 4 and continues to proclaim this each day to the hearts of those who trust in him. Do you trust him?

Even with the most understanding friends and closest relationships with other humans, there will be times of asking, “Why doesn’t anyone understand.” But how could we understand each other fully? We are all broken in some way and all too often fall into the tendency of caring only for ourselves. May we seek to understand each other and ask, “Do I understand?” But even before that, may we seek to know the One who understands us first, even as he is so greatly misunderstood himself.